Mr. Bradford doesn’t tolerate bullshit from anyone.

This includes 13 year-old assholes taunting this great American (okay, he’s from the UK, but still) while playing a heated game of Black Ops.

Bradford went ape-shit on a particularly cocky kid after losing repeatedly on Xbox Live and being taunted for it all day. Bradford drove heroically to the boy’s house and choked the shit out of the little prick until the kid’s mom broke it up.

For Mark Bradford’s courage and valor to combat an injustice, he is the Hero of the Week.

He will be arraigned next week in a UK court.

Sometimes when life deals you a rough hand it’s just best to chalk it up as a loss and move on. Or, at least this would’ve been my advice to now-felon Jordan Steiner.

Instead of reacting to the news of his 16 year-old girlfriend dumping him like most people do: alcohol and re-watching 300, Jordan decided to take a more proactive approach to coping. And by ‘proactive’, I mean illegal.

Jordan, or as his new cellmate will refer to him as; Shut the fuck up and bend over, uploaded a video of he and his ex-girlfriend ‘intimate’ in her room to the internet. And by ‘intimate’, I mean they were fucking.

But Jordan, showing his ambitious side, didn’t stop there. He emailed his ex’s mother and father a link to the video, as well as multiple people in her school. To his surprise, they didn’t react with joy to the news that their underage daughter was on video, on the Internet, on Jordan’s dick—. Some might call that unclassy.

The police call it child pornography.

Had Jordan’s ambitions not got the best of him, he’d still have a fully functional rectum and the only people to see his cockumentary would be a handful of perverts and every single Sig Tau on Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings.

Going to Walmart involves a tradeoff. In exchange for a $3.99 shower mat that would cost $75 at Crate & Barrel, I have to put up with whatever their dipshit employees are doing, items on the wrong shelf or the occasional shot of jizz on the back of a package.

I just shrug it off and keep moving.

The ability to shrug these things off is what separates us from Mary Bach. After being over-charged two cents for sausage on multiple occasions, the blue-haired bitch sued the corporate giant.

Now, normally Walmart wipes their ass with with litigation against them. But Mary actually won. The judge ruled Walmart—who apparently sent in their B-Team lawyers—had to pay $100 in damages and an additional $80 in court fees.

Mary wanted to send a message that raising a baby pig from its infancy, feeding it, slaughtering it, harvesting the edible parts, packaging them, freezing them, shipping them in a goddamned mobile fridge thousands of miles to her neighborhood then laying them out for the customers approval is worth 98 cents, NOT a fucking dollar.

GOW Honoree: Clyde Gardner

If you’re planning on killing your girlfriend and the first thing you think of is, “Alright, first I need to kill and skin a bear,” you’re probably off to a bad start.  

Clyde’s plan (if you can call it that) was to kill and skin a bear, dress himself up as the bear, make shoes and gloves out of the bear’s feet (to hide fingerprints) then beat the shit out of his ex.

One of the many things Clyde didn’t plan for was how hard it would be for a guy of Forrest Gump intelect to kill a bear (much less orchestrate a murder involving framing a bear). 

But let’s assume he did get phase one of his plan accomplished. Why the fuck did he care whether his soon to be late-ex-wife thought she died at the hands of her psycho ex-boyfriend or Yogi Bear with muscular distrophy? 

If he wanted to frame a bear, he didn’t need to dress up as Winnie the Pooh. What he needed to do was pack on 1600 lbs of pure muscle as bears are about 49 times as strong as we are. Bears also aren’t known for for putting their victims in sleeper holds and curb-stomping them.

Was his plan to come after her running on all fours? Or was he going to be the only bear to master the upright sprint?

I am starting this segment to underscore each weeks best moments of Greek-ery in the news.

GOW Runner-Up: Alex Finnegan.

After repeatedly being told to fuck off by a campus radio station in Massachusetts, Alex decided to stop requesting whatever bullshit song he wanted and went about his day…Oh wait, I read that wrong.

He actually decided the best course of action was to call back a fifth time and say that he was going bring a gun in and kill everyone working if he didn’t hear his favorite band “Rufio”.

As it turns out, he probably had better options. But no worries, he dialed *69, so the call was anonymous; it says it right there on the Caller I.D.

The only problem is, the cops don’t play that shit. His phone number was traced and young Alex was arrested while wearing a t-shirt of the radio station he called in to (he worked there while he was a student).

Alex insisted it was all a joke, because what’s funnier than school shooters?  

I still haven’t decided if I want to lend the YG name to any particular Homecoming candidates yet, but if I decide to open the YG sweepstakes, there will be a specific vetting process. That plan is as follows:

1. First, you need to come to the outside of Yeater Hall and profess your faith in me Tri-Sig style (on your knees) and your intention to be a noble and righteous Homecoming King or Queen. Keep speeches under 30 minutes. 

2. After doing so, you need to locate a seven year-old goat for sacrifice. You can drive four miles out of town and find a drifter named Uncle Terry. He’ll direct you to a farm owned by Jesse-Derek Fletcher and he’ll have a herd of goats for you. He looks like this: 

*If you are an animal rights activist you can do option two, which is to return to your apartment, house or dorm and proceed to fuck yourself. 

3. Get the goat wasted at Johnnies on 7 Rumple Minze shots. No more, no less. 

4. Return to Yeater Hall (it should be 7 a.m. by now) and slash the goat across the neck or stomach and bathe in the goats blood while chanting “Yeater makes me greater-YeaterGhost knows the most” seven times. 

5. Now you will be eligible for my endorsement.  

As of late, I feel like I’ve been courted for a homecoming endorsement. Which is an odd proposition given my history with Greek Life at UCM. It’d be like inviting Hitler to weigh in on a dreidel tournament. 

The other issue that comes to mind is whether me giving an endorsement would actually help a candidate’s case? How would this conversation actually occur:

“Yeah, so you know that asshole ghost that talks about the Greeks singing off herpes with a heated fork? Yeah, well she wants me to win. Vote for me!”

But I am here to help, and I have a plan. When the semi-literate minds behind the Muleskinner put together their homecoming issue, I will request space to offer my analysis of the field this year as well as the BOC and probably some other shit. 

Unless it’s not wanted…then maybe I wont. Who knows. 

Your favorite dead woman since Natalie Holloway (too soon?) got a rare glimpse into the cut-throat world of Central’s brave men and women who make sure the parking lots are safe and secure by ticketing cars parked inappropriately. 

I came across this Top Secret document by way of Wikileaks. I’ll report it to you. 

[CLASSIFIED UNDER SECTION 48.213]

[TOP SECRET]

[BATTLEFIELD JOURNAL: 04/13/2011]

[0700]

I WOKE UP TODAY KNOWING IT COULD BE MY LAST…HELL, IN MY LINE OF WORK, EVERY DAY COULD BE YOUR LAST. I GOT MY GEAR ON AND HEADED TO WAR.

[0730]

STARTED OUT AS A NORMAL DAY: HAD MY UCM STANDARD ISSUE WHITE POLO COORDINATED WITH CORDOROY PANTS…LOOKING LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING BADASS.

[0800]

FIRST ACTION OF THE DAY: I SPOT WHAT SEEMS TO BE A WHITE SUV PARKED ON THE LINE. I DEVELOP A MILD ERECTION. IT’S FUCKING GO-TIME.

[0815]

UPON FURTHER INSPECTION AND THE TIME IT TOOK TO WALK UP A STEEP HILL, IT WOULD APPEAR THAT THESE COMMIE/FASCIST SONSABITCHES HAVE NO RESPECT FOR UCM PUBLIC SAFETY…TIME TO LAY DOWN THE FUCKING LAW. MY TICKET PRINTER SEES ITS FIRST ACTION OF THE DAY. NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY DICK IS AT HALF-MAST.

[0900]

I WALK UP OUTSIDE THE UNION. SOME UNGRATEFUL BITCH HAS BEEN PARKED IN THE 30 MIN OR LESS SPOT FOR 31 MIN. I’LL BE LENIENT AND GIVE HER SOME LEEWAY.

[0901]

TIMES UP BITCH: TICKET MAN’S GONE RAIN DOWN ON YOUR ASS WITH THE FIREY THUNDER OF ZEUS, YOU ROTTEN WHORE. TICKET TIME! ERECTION AT 90% AND IT’S NOT EVEN NOON. IT’S GONNA BE A GOOD DAY.

[1100]

LULL IN THE ACTION IS JUST THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM. SOMETHING’S BREWIN OUT THERE.

[1400]

OK, SO MAYBE NOT.

[1650]

LOOK AT THESE SORRY MOTHERFUCKERS. PARKING OPENS AT 5 P.M. NOT 4:50. P.M. LOOKS LIKE MY WORK’S NOT DONE AFTERALL. TICKET TIME FAGGOTS.

[1655]

SHIT, THAT GUYS BLACK. IMMA WAIT UNTIL HE CAN’T SEE HIS CAR BEFORE I WRITE THIS.

[1700]

ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL DAY MAKING SURE MY UCM BRETHEREN ARE SAFE AND SECURE. THIS WORLD IS PROTECTED BY ROUGH MEN WHO STAND VIGILANT AND…SHIT…IT’S RAINING NOW. 

As you might imagine, I wasn’t invited to the board meetings where our former president endorsed the change from CMSU to UCM. My vote, at the time, was for Central University Missouri (CUM). The move away from Call Me Stupid University was smart, but the moves made didn’t go far enough. 

If we’re shooting for an image change, we need to push for an all-out overhaul. This means ditching the mule. I know this will ruffle some feathers with our UCM purists, but we’re losing the mascot war. 

Enter the Nasty Ass Honey Badger. It’ll be merchandising gold. 

According to statistics that I’m making up, UCM ranks sixth among total collegiate merchandise sold in the state of Missouri. Here’s the official statistics as I imagine them:

1. Mizzou

2. North West Missouri State

3. Some bullshit St. Louis School

4. UMKC

5. That Community College in Sedalia

6. Central University of Missouri. 

Our only hope is to nab the Nasty Ass Honey Badger before UMKC does. We’re in the same as far as having a fucked up irrelevant mascot. 

Ever since my twitter inception, I’ve faced a strong headwind of gale force dipshit-edness. For instance, one of the first voices against my good word was—shockingly—an ex-president of Nu Society.

But it’s not just bullshit organizations like Nu Society that feel that it’s their moral obligation to fill my MT stream with sentences that look like they were crafted from an ad-lib book. 

Officials/proponents/sentient beings from organizations like PRSSA, the Black Box Theatre and various other collections of coeds trying to appear as if they came here only to get shit-faced have bitched to me about my occasionally off-color tweets. 

Ya know, because when we’re gauging the major problems our university is facing, an asshole ghost/guy or girl possibly sitting in his or her underwear eating Pop Tarts is definitely at the top of the list. 

Never mind a tuition hike, book prices, gutting the curriculum, mandatory health insurance, those fucking meter maids that work for Public Safety who ticket your goddamned car after a snow storm because you parked on the line…I’m ranting. 

I wonder if President Ambrose gets the feedback that I do.